Over the years, I have noticed my eyesight getting progressively worse. I had to wear glasses when I was, like, 13 or something due to being very slightly farsighted. I lost those glasses in two weeks and got on the fast track to legal blindness.

I went to the eye doctor about a week ago upon the realization that I can barely read road signs when I'm driving, and this is probably dangerous.

After about an hour of various people having sex with my eyeballs with their eyeballs, they came to the conclusion that I'm farsighted in my right eye, nearsighted in my left eye, and I have minor astigmatism. Then they told me to get the fuck out because they don't want me to bump into any expensive equipment with my blind ass. I proceeded to pick out some frames at LensCrafters, and quickly realized that I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to glasses. Luckily, a clerk there did and she helped me find something that didn't make me look like a Revenge of the Nerds stand-in. I was told they would call me when my glasses were ready, as they couldn't do it there and had to have them specially ordered or some shit. I didn't ask a lot of questions.

I then drove home. I hit something in the parking lot, and it just looked like a speed bump, but they were talking about a hit-and-run on the news that night and I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty.

I got the call and went and got my glasses today, which are Ray-Ban Titanium frame-less, and it turns out I look like a classy motherfucker with glasses.

Bow before your blind, sexy master, peons.